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A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!" "Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you me...

NASCAR Career Summary For Dale Jr

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says "Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well". The man's dog jumps up, and runs around the barst...

The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession. After a few minutes of silenc...

A Pirate Joke

With all the pirates hijacking ships for ransom and stuff like that going on in the news, I figured we'd throw out a pirate joke for your reading pleasure... Argg! Pirate Walks Into A Bar So this pirate walks into a bar with a steeri...

13 Margeritas

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?" So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, "Well, my first b...

Two Ropes

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says "Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers." The bartender says "I'm sorry we dont serve ropes in here." Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they ...

Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would ...

Pirate In A Bar

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" "I wa...

Drunken Reincarnation

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a good...

That Monkey Will Eat Anything

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats the...

Walk The Line

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blo...

Married Life – Going To The Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo...

Took My Wife To The Bar

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple o...

Drunk Poker

A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "No problem sir, but I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of b...

Belligerent Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again tha...

15 Rules Of Drunk Dialing

Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across - there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.  Only drunk...

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggres...

Magical Mirror

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity. A brunette, redhead, and a blon...

Married Bar Talk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the ...

Sexy Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathi...

Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in...

New FDA Alcohol Warnings

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again. Consump...

Too Much to Drink

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocke...

Lesbians

A man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink." The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good." The man, with a confused loo...

Three Racehorses

Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've wo...

Win $10,000

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000 - ask the bartender for details". He asks and the bartender tells him "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the b...

Blonde Puppies

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how she knew. She replied, "well I was on top when I concieved so I will ha...

Eileen Who?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well the man was offe...

DUI Test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic...

Drunk Thief

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a ...

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver s...

Three Little Pigs

There were three pigs. The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left. The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left. The...

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